you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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