I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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