Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
