Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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