The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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