What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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