I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
