On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Randomize
