He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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