the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
