saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
