Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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