watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
