i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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