Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
