i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
