also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
