So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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