If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
