Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
