I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
