so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
