Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
