tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
