if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
