I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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