OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
