If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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