Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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