good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
