I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
