I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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