Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
