Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
