I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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