Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
