maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
