My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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