Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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