the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize