I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
