I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh god it's open bar.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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