That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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