i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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