Well apparently he's into motor boating.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
