Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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