When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
