Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
