I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
