oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
