distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
