I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
