dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
