mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
