Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
