Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
