MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
