Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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