Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sobbing to NWA
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
