Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
